Thursday, December 15, 2016

10 Things God Can't Do

When I went to a football game last year, some well-meaning stranger gave me some literature on the way back to the car.

A pizza coupon? I had heard that Papa John’s gave one free toppings for every TD scored by the home team. What was the score again? 13-7. Damn it. One stinking TD? I guess I’ll take pepperoni.


But it wasn’t a pizza coupon, and it changed my life. Actually, I didn’t even read it until much later. It was titled “10 Things God Can’t Do”. Seemed intriguing. You’d think he could do everything, right? Isn’t that what being a god is all about?


OK, what could the 10 things be? Can’t defy the laws of physics? Can’t perform a miracle that can’t otherwise be explained by natural phenomena? Can’t let my team win one stinking Super Bowl?


My take? Like a top-40 album or the 10 commandments, much of it was just filler. So I’ve just highlighted the major ones.


1. God can’t ever have a new idea: I know a lot of people like this. The coach of my favorite college team calls three runs up the gut, punts, and then hopes the defense can score. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. Wait, this is a good thing?


2. God can’t sin: OK, seems reasonable. But what if he really wanted to? He could, right? What fun is it to be a god if you can’t make your own rules. Walk around the house without taking your sandals off? No problem. Leave the toilet seat up? No sweat.


3. Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da


4. He cannot allow even one sin into Heaven: We have a similar rule about food and drink in the TV room. But sometimes I let the kids eat and drink during football games if they’re careful. I guess I’m just merciful like that.


5. God can’t lie: Really? Not even to save someone’s feelings? I remember telling my son that he played a great game after he spent most of it staring at his shoes.


*OK, here at the record flip, there’s a lot of scary talk of damnation and that sort of thing. You can’t put that stuff at the beginning or you lose people*


6. After you are forgiven, God can’t even remember your sins: If we leave out the fact that someone forgot the meaning of omniscient, this is just silly. It’s just not a good idea. When the kids get into the liquor cabinet – even if they are sorry and you forgive them – you put a lock on that cabinet. Otherwise, you are going to end up with a lot of fancy bottles of 95% water, 5% vodka. It’s the learning part of “live and learn”. Even my state only lets you drop one traffic ticket with a defensive driving class. You can’t just keep taking it and wiping out tickets – that’s just abuse.


7. God cannot send anyone to Hell: Sweet. Excellent news. Uh oh, fine print-> “Only after you are born again. Offer only in participating universes. Check your local franchise.” The large print giveth, the small print taketh away. It goes on to say that it is you who send yourself to hell. I use this one on my son, too: “You are saying that I am mean, but you are really upset with yourself about your own behavior” I’m not sure he buys it, either.


OK, I think I’ve got it all figured out. But do you really need to hang out at football games to pass this stuff out? To be honest, I had already heard of God. And if I was looking for more information about him, I’d look at the library or use the internet. I would assume that “God.com” might be the place….


Oops, that’s a porn site. I better get working on that forgiveness.


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